we drive by braille and candlelight

So there was an interesting series of events this past week. Moved very fast. Ended with dissapointment. I am beginning to get more used to it in a way. The only thing one can truly hope in is Christ. I say this in regard and comparison to all things.

Solidified my plans to take graduate accounting courses through SUNY Oswego starting next semester. It seems that is the prudent thing to do at this point in time. Who knows if I will actually be able to get a job afterwards. I darn hope so. I also don't know if I will be called by God to do something outside all the stuff I studied in college. I will be called to something certainly.

If this blog is really lame, forgive me. It really is more for me than for my readers (whoever you are). Helps to get my thoughts out and think things through. I would love any comments any of you have.

Where is my life going? I feel like there is no sense of direction or momentum. What is the goal, target, or vision I am living towards? Is there a next waypoint per se in my life? What am I really going to do with myself after I graduate? What am I doing with my life right now? I feel a little pointless now. I feel like I should be living in a way that is making more of a difference. How can I be living actively for the Kingdom of God? Am I? Is going to church and serving in positions where I am using my gifts enough? When should I move out? What will happen when all my friends graduate? Where will I live? Will I ever know for sure what I am to do with my life? It seems like there has to be more to life than all of this.

a selfish confusion?

Ok so this is going to be a little bit of a weird post. On a random note, I always spell weird wrong. Yay for spellcheckers.
I was having some quiet time tonight going over Psalm 35 and just thinking about things and God. The usual routine. I decided to supplement some things I was thinking about with some writings from a book I have read in the past, "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris. I remembered some things he said in the book, so I quickly glanced through the first two chapters. I came across a great word of advice concerning romantic interest given to Harris by C.J. Mahaney, his then boss and pastor, who said:

"Don' let impatience get the upper hand. Be her friend, but don't communicate your interest until you're ready to start a relationship that has a clear purpose and direction. You don't want to play with her heart"

Words well spoken to a young man who had interest in a young woman. I thought of this third-party advice, applied it to my situation, felt encouraged to get serious about praying and seeking wisdom concerning such a topic...but then very shortly after I was flooded with a minor wave of doubt that went something like this in my head:

"Marriage is selfish. You can give your life away in a manner that would be more beneficial than through marriage. Don't you have greater things to think about? Evangelism? Deep sorrow for the lost? Further striving towards holiness and pursuing God? I mean, you call yourself a Christian Hedonist and shouldn't you be pursuing your joy in God alone first instead of wasting time on pursuing a relationship? Think about your friends who are more mature than you; they don't even have interest in anyone! They are really devoted to God."

Now these are mere thoughts that have crossed my mind, not deeply held convictions. Now here I am. Hesitant, confused, yet still hoping in God...though distracted.
What is valid? What is not? Move forward, or pull back?