conundrum

What happens when:
 - You desire something
 - You don't really know why you desire it
 - At present, the desired thing is unattainable
 - The desire does not go away
I am genuinely stuck in a minor 'circle of logic' as I like to call it. My main problem is this: I cannot explain why I want the thing I want. This does not bode well for a person of my logical nature (well, at least I like to think I am). What to do? Any answers I have presently given to myself concerning the why are insufficient in my eyes.
Disclaimer: I am not going crazy. I think.

you might call it a good thanksgiving.

First things first. Here is a link to an awesome little interview / blog post i read about productivity. If you are a human being and you do anything i suggest that you might read this. especially pertinent to people who tend to get overwhelmed by work. The title of the article is you don't have to be productive. Hopefully my reading of this article will spark properly motivated and executed productivity in my life.

Went to my grandmother's house today for thanksgiving. She has really bad Alzheimer's. I don't really know how to feel in situations like that. To see a human being who really has no clue what is going on and cannot physically walk makes me feel strange. I really don't know how to feel. I am saddened by her suffering. My chief concern is really how can the Gospel be communicated to people without the mental capacity to comprehend it? She once had mental capacity to function in a "normal" manner. I am in the dark on this issue. What will happen to her? I do not know. I see her sitting on the couch, unable to communicate, occasionally softly muttering a song of days long past, unconscious of the world around her. She doesn't have long to live. I don't know what to do.

a new kind of writing

Looking back on all my past public internet ventures, I have come to realize that they are not one specific thing. Helpful. Edifying. Whatever word you wish to choose. This will change. Let's throw down a Johnathan Edwards style resolution here, eh?
Resolved: To only write in a public venue on the Internet in a manner that is helpful to other people or to write with insightful and careful reflection on events experienced in my life.

a few things...

1. I am a whiner and don't realize it most of the time.
2. People die every day. Do I care?
3. Jesus is the most important person in the universe.
4. I need to live life seriously.
5. The book of Hebrews rocks.

That is all.

we drive by braille and candlelight

So there was an interesting series of events this past week. Moved very fast. Ended with dissapointment. I am beginning to get more used to it in a way. The only thing one can truly hope in is Christ. I say this in regard and comparison to all things.

Solidified my plans to take graduate accounting courses through SUNY Oswego starting next semester. It seems that is the prudent thing to do at this point in time. Who knows if I will actually be able to get a job afterwards. I darn hope so. I also don't know if I will be called by God to do something outside all the stuff I studied in college. I will be called to something certainly.

If this blog is really lame, forgive me. It really is more for me than for my readers (whoever you are). Helps to get my thoughts out and think things through. I would love any comments any of you have.

Where is my life going? I feel like there is no sense of direction or momentum. What is the goal, target, or vision I am living towards? Is there a next waypoint per se in my life? What am I really going to do with myself after I graduate? What am I doing with my life right now? I feel a little pointless now. I feel like I should be living in a way that is making more of a difference. How can I be living actively for the Kingdom of God? Am I? Is going to church and serving in positions where I am using my gifts enough? When should I move out? What will happen when all my friends graduate? Where will I live? Will I ever know for sure what I am to do with my life? It seems like there has to be more to life than all of this.

a selfish confusion?

Ok so this is going to be a little bit of a weird post. On a random note, I always spell weird wrong. Yay for spellcheckers.
I was having some quiet time tonight going over Psalm 35 and just thinking about things and God. The usual routine. I decided to supplement some things I was thinking about with some writings from a book I have read in the past, "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris. I remembered some things he said in the book, so I quickly glanced through the first two chapters. I came across a great word of advice concerning romantic interest given to Harris by C.J. Mahaney, his then boss and pastor, who said:

"Don' let impatience get the upper hand. Be her friend, but don't communicate your interest until you're ready to start a relationship that has a clear purpose and direction. You don't want to play with her heart"

Words well spoken to a young man who had interest in a young woman. I thought of this third-party advice, applied it to my situation, felt encouraged to get serious about praying and seeking wisdom concerning such a topic...but then very shortly after I was flooded with a minor wave of doubt that went something like this in my head:

"Marriage is selfish. You can give your life away in a manner that would be more beneficial than through marriage. Don't you have greater things to think about? Evangelism? Deep sorrow for the lost? Further striving towards holiness and pursuing God? I mean, you call yourself a Christian Hedonist and shouldn't you be pursuing your joy in God alone first instead of wasting time on pursuing a relationship? Think about your friends who are more mature than you; they don't even have interest in anyone! They are really devoted to God."

Now these are mere thoughts that have crossed my mind, not deeply held convictions. Now here I am. Hesitant, confused, yet still hoping in God...though distracted.
What is valid? What is not? Move forward, or pull back?

theses for the American Church

Here are some excerpts from four blog posts by Jared Wilson:
95 theses for the American Church (an ode to the original 95 theses).

• 10. The aim of devotion to Scripture is our transformation, not merely our information
• 18. The American Christian has forgotten how to pray.
• 25. The legacy of license, corruption, and theological superficiality in the modernist church suffocates community by affirming the Self and its prerogatives as the Christian's real gods.
• 31. Christian community ought to be oriented around the treasure of the gospel and purposed around the proclamation of the kingdom.
• 46. The American Church loves the spirit of the age and idolizes relevancy.
• 24. The legacy of legalism, gossip, condemnation, and bigotry in the fundamentalist church suffocates community by removing the gospel-honoring security of bold confession and relational authenticity.
• 57. The tide can turn in American evangelicalism if we will return to our first love.
• 62. The pastors of the churches in American have ceased serving as their church's resident theologian.  

http://gospeldrivenchurch.blogspot.com

always sinning?

Does being totally depraved mean we're always sinning no matter what?

I sin every day. Every day. You too.

psalm 26

Here are a few thoughts I had concerning my nightly reading for today in Psalm 26.
Our vindication comes to us from God due to the Lord's steadfast love. The Lord is faithful, we just need to realize his faithfulness and walk in it. How often do we succumb to the heresy that teaches us when we have more faith in God, we will reap more benefits? I speak mainly of the people who teach such in connection with physical healings and such. "If you only had greater faith in the Lord, he would heal you." Teachings of that manner are detrimental to our understanding and thoughts. Did not Christ say that if you had faith like a mustard seed (just an FYI, a mustard seed is really, really small) you could move mountains and command trees to be planted in the sea? Christ obliterates our requests for more faith by showing what we are to have faith in, namely, the power of God. Small faith in a big thing (God's power) glorifies God as being powerful and faithful, not ourselves. Small faith in God brings marvelous things.
Got a little sidetracked...back to Psalm 26. John Calvin comments on this passage:

"the prophet declares in what manner he pursued his course in the midst of such powerful temptations, telling us that it was by setting the goodness of God, which so carefully preserves his servants, before his eyes, lest, declining to evil practices, he might deprive himself of his protection; and by confiding in his faithfulness, he possessed his soul in patience, firmly persuaded that God would never forsake his faithful people who trusted in him. And certainly, had he not relied upon the goodness of God, he could not have so constantly prosecuted the path of integrity amidst such numerous and such severe assaults."

Confide in faithfulness. If God's goodness is not pursued, considered, and relied upon, one cannot hope to persevere through temptations and assaults.

It is one thing to say "renounce ungodliness". It is a complete saying to say "renounce ungodliness by seeing the treasure in Christ and trusting in His faithfulness towards you."

a fire inside my being

I relish the times when I can pray to the Father with clear and desperate pleas.
There are going to be some pretty big life decisions very soon for me...where I should begin my post-college life primarily. Many other things hinge on this and I am not sure of much. I was listening to a radio broadcast a few nights ago and the speaker was talking about doubts. He said that often are doubts trick us into thinking we are at a place of intellectual deficiency, that we need more information to make a rational, informed decision when in reality our real problem is failing to live with a righteous character instead of simply being confused because we can't figure something out.
I think I might be at a similar point. I have vowed (to myself) to keep these entries short so I will leave it at that. My doubts: are they brought forth by genuine intellectual deficiencies, or am I fooling mysely in a prideful manner into thinking my dilemmas are merely difficult decisions that need a logical answer and thus truly failing to live in faith?
More entries to come.