10.17.2008

...i've given about all that i can give, in your hands...

Well it certainly does not feel good now nor ever when you lay your hopes on things only to see them come crashing down. Is this the beginning of the end of my plans? Will God tear me away from my uncertainties and lead me to where he wants me? I do not know what to do. I seem to be locked in this career path. The money drawn from my parent's savings, the time invested, the lack of time left, what is it for? I am clueless and stained with tears. Where do I go? Do I abandon all that I have come to? Do I give it all away? Do I sacrifice what was not mine in vain? Another identity crisis. Is money the stumbling block? Do I believe that God can't take care of my laibilities if I abandon this path and go to a different path I think he might have for me? 

Hope still remains. I only have three more chances. If I don't get an internship then I must believe that this is not where I am supposed to be. Perhaps this is a test. My eyes are on you God. Your move.

Life is not easy.

10.14.2008

...it seems my life is always under par...

Wow, what a day. What begins as a relaxing morning with a decent amount of time spent seeking God and thoroughly enjoying the leaves falling or rather snowing down, well goodness it can turn very bad, very fast. Is it bad that I actually care about my grades and want to be able to learn from my professors? To clarify, I received two tests back today and they were slightly below the class average and far below my expectations. Perhaps one of the greatest things I hate in this world is when you do nearly all that you can do to prepare for something and still fall short. This genuinely makes me feel very stupid. I know I perhaps was far too harsh on myself today, but when I face teachers who frustrate me to no end, I feel there is no other escape. I was thinking awful things earlier. Awful. I loathed professors, I loathed myself, I questioned my existence, I hurt. 

I asked God to get me through the day today with safety and comfort, but alas if trials are in store for me if it is in His will, let them not be withheld. It almost seems at time God gives me the slightest glimpse into the future at times. I do not feel right now that accounting or finance is my passion right now. This scares me. I have no other way to say this, but what the hell am I going to do with my life? Dropping out, transferring, and any other option to terminate the path I am already on are far out of the picture.

Right now, and recently, life has been very difficult. Life has been difficult. I have no clue whatsoever how Job dealt with even a fraction of what happened to him. I am weak. God's word says that his power is made perfect in weakness. I am feeling awfully weak.