What happens when:
 - You desire something
 - You don't really know why you desire it
 - At present, the desired thing is unattainable
 - The desire does not go away
I am genuinely stuck in a minor 'circle of logic' as I like to call it. My main problem is this: I cannot explain why I want the thing I want. This does not bode well for a person of my logical nature (well, at least I like to think I am). What to do? Any answers I have presently given to myself concerning the why are insufficient in my eyes.
Disclaimer: I am not going crazy. I think.


you might call it a good thanksgiving.

First things first. Here is a link to an awesome little interview / blog post i read about productivity. If you are a human being and you do anything i suggest that you might read this. especially pertinent to people who tend to get overwhelmed by work. The title of the article is you don't have to be productive. Hopefully my reading of this article will spark properly motivated and executed productivity in my life.

Went to my grandmother's house today for thanksgiving. She has really bad Alzheimer's. I don't really know how to feel in situations like that. To see a human being who really has no clue what is going on and cannot physically walk makes me feel strange. I really don't know how to feel. I am saddened by her suffering. My chief concern is really how can the Gospel be communicated to people without the mental capacity to comprehend it? She once had mental capacity to function in a "normal" manner. I am in the dark on this issue. What will happen to her? I do not know. I see her sitting on the couch, unable to communicate, occasionally softly muttering a song of days long past, unconscious of the world around her. She doesn't have long to live. I don't know what to do.


a new kind of writing

Looking back on all my past public internet ventures, I have come to realize that they are not one specific thing. Helpful. Edifying. Whatever word you wish to choose. This will change. Let's throw down a Johnathan Edwards style resolution here, eh?
Resolved: To only write in a public venue on the Internet in a manner that is helpful to other people or to write with insightful and careful reflection on events experienced in my life.


a few things...

  1. I am a whiner and don't realize it most of the time.
  2. People die every day. Do I care?
  3. Jesus is the most important person in the universe.
  4. I need to live life seriously.
  5. The book of Hebrews rocks.
That is all.


we drive by braille and candlelight

So there was an interesting series of events this past week. Moved very fast. Ended with dissapointment. I am beginning to get more used to it in a way. The only thing one can truly hope in is Christ. I say this in regard and comparison to all things.

Solidified my plans to take graduate accounting courses through SUNY Oswego starting next semester. It seems that is the prudent thing to do at this point in time. Who knows if I will actually be able to get a job afterwards. I darn hope so. I also don't know if I will be called by God to do something outside all the stuff I studied in college. I will be called to something certainly.

If this blog is really lame, forgive me. It really is more for me than for my readers (whoever you are). Helps to get my thoughts out and think things through. I would love any comments any of you have.

Where is my life going? I feel like there is no sense of direction or momentum. What is the goal, target, or vision I am living towards? Is there a next waypoint per se in my life? What am I really going to do with myself after I graduate? What am I doing with my life right now? I feel a little pointless now. I feel like I should be living in a way that is making more of a difference. How can I be living actively for the Kingdom of God? Am I? Is going to church and serving in positions where I am using my gifts enough? When should I move out? What will happen when all my friends graduate? Where will I live? Will I ever know for sure what I am to do with my life? It seems like there has to be more to life than all of this.


a selfish confusion?

Ok so this is going to be a little bit of a weird post. On a random note, I always spell weird wrong. Yay for spellcheckers.
I was having some quiet time tonight going over Psalm 35 and just thinking about things and God. The usual routine. I decided to supplement some things I was thinking about with some writings from a book I have read in the past, "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris. I remembered some things he said in the book, so I quickly glanced through the first two chapters. I came across a great word of advice concerning romantic interest given to Harris by C.J. Mahaney, his then boss and pastor, who said:
"Don' let impatience get the upper hand. Be her friend, but don't communicate your interest until you're ready to start a relationship that has a clear purpose and direction. You don't want to play with her heart"
Words well spoken to a young man who had interest in a young woman. I thought of this third-party advice, applied it to my situation, felt encouraged to get serious about praying and seeking wisdom concerning such a topic...but then very shortly after I was flooded with a minor wave of doubt that went something like this in my head:
"Marriage is selfish. You can give your life away in a manner that would be more beneficial than through marriage. Don't you have greater things to think about? Evangelism? Deep sorrow for the lost? Further striving towards holiness and pursuing God? I mean, you call yourself a Christian Hedonist and shouldn't you be pursuing your joy in God alone first instead of wasting time on pursuing a relationship? Think about your friends who are more mature than you; they don't even have interest in anyone! They are really devoted to God."
Now these are mere thoughts that have crossed my mind, not deeply held convictions. Now here I am. Hesitant, confused, yet still hoping in God...though distracted.
What is valid? What is not? Move forward, or pull back?


theses for the American Church

Here are some excerpts from four blog posts by Jared Wilson:
95 theses for the American Church (an ode to the original 95 theses).
  • 10. The aim of devotion to Scripture is our transformation, not merely our information
  • 18. The American Christian has forgotten how to pray.
  • 25. The legacy of license, corruption, and theological superficiality in the modernist church suffocates community by affirming the Self and its prerogatives as the Christian's real gods.
  • 31. Christian community ought to be oriented around the treasure of the gospel and purposed around the proclamation of the kingdom.
  • 46. The American Church loves the spirit of the age and idolizes relevancy.
  • 24. The legacy of legalism, gossip, condemnation, and bigotry in the fundamentalist church suffocates community by removing the gospel-honoring security of bold confession and relational authenticity.
  • 57. The tide can turn in American evangelicalism if we will return to our first love.
  • 62. The pastors of the churches in American have ceased serving as their church's resident theologian.