Meditations on Desire, Part 1

 1. to wish or long for; crave; want.

 There is an affection I often come into that burns within me like a torch and simultaneously I feel as if I am empty of it. I find within my very being a deep longing for different things: God, friendship, purity of heart, a romantic relationship, social interaction, progress; these are among the foremost. Then, I come into a frame of mind where I desire desire. I want to be composed of more passions that move my soul towards this and that. Usually I find myself in a state of wanting to desire God himself more. He grants me and grows within me desire for his glory and beauty that can manifest itself in deep, moving emotions, albeit all too infrequently for my parched soul.

Often I envelop my mind in the things of my own self. Now I mean this not to note selfishness, though this characteristic does manifest itself at times, but I rather care to point out how humans often are lost in what I shall call the world of their own vision. That is, all that we see is our world. The world is limited to what the 140 degrees of our vision beholds. I find that I see people, acknowledge their presence and existence, but not ponder deeper to see that this being I am looking upon has a mind, emotions, diseases, troubles, sorrows, joys, griefs, pains, thoughts, tasks to complete, desires. Why do I comment on this field of mental vision that restricts us? Perhaps it is because this fact is neglected due to our (my) limited mental pondering of other humans' state: It is very easy to become overwhelmed and frustrated by desires and affections of various kinds; this is seen in the one who centers and retains all affections within one's self.

Perhaps this failure of mine to see people as actually humans who feel and think like I do is truly connected with my frustrated desires. Maybe there is no connection. I think, on a personal note, that I tend to become confused with emotions and longings because I cannot feel the trajectory these affections want to lead me to and I do not take time to ponder and discuss my desires with fellow humans. Isolation from social interaction causes desires to become pent up and often misdirected or corrupted. The proper expression of these desires, which are often brought forth in praise or satisfaction, aids in the joy of the soul and clarity of mind. I feel that I so often lack this, for my desires put within me an unsettled feeling and confusion. Perhaps this is due to the nature and situations regarding my desires or perhaps it is because of my lack of complete emotional and mental maturity.

[Note: This is the first in a series. I will write more about the personal circumstances motivating these ponderings in the next entry.]

1 comment:

  1. I appreciate your statement that you "come into a frame of mind where [you] desire desire." This is, I believe, a noble beginning in following hard after God. A.W. Tozer's prayer ending the first chapter of his book "The Pursuit Of God" contains the following petition:

    "O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still."

    I anticipate the forthcoming entries in this series!