...you'll be doing alright with your christmas of white...

I never have much to say, but words pour from my mouth.
I can't write a song, but I can go deaf.
I dream, but don't believe.
I understand, but I forget.
I love, but I am cold.

Wow so this break has been actually unbelievably boring. Someone call the whaaaaambulance. That's enough of that. I don wonder why break is always so boring.

Man I actually wish I could go to BWC.

God is teaching me things, but I am not grasping them firmly yet.

I think be it the environment I have been in or the people I have been around or simply the person I have become...I think that this has led me to desire a super-charged spiritual life. I mean I want good teaching, all the time, great worship, all the time, great fellowship, all the time, amazing alone times, all the time. I think those desires are appropriate...but man does life fall short. Ok I really can't organize all these thoughts in my head appropriately so I think I will stop there.

If anyone reads this, drop a comment or something. Just curious.

...this is war, like you ain't seen...

Well this night turned out to be a rather pleasant surprise. I was able to chat with some friends (via online messenging), listen to a good sermon (via podcast), and set a little fire to get some things done and move on with life. Having friends to pray for and who will pray for you is really quite sweet. Praise God for that certainly! Listened to a podcast by Mark Driscoll on the Song of Solomon, and man he is terribly insightful and smart. I don't think I can get the things he gets out of the Bible, not to say that is bad, he just brings really good stuff to the table.

I would like to travel the world. Live a life that is scaled way back. Live on the road, maybe be poor for a season. I terribly would love to be in a band and have that be my life. Major obstacles to that: money, talent (which can be developed), creativity (which can be helped along), and other band mates. My dream band...well I am not sure what exactly it would look like. I guess I would like to be in Dustin Kensrue's shoes. For those of you who know me, I know it seems like I talk about him and Thrice alot...but don't worry, I am not making idols. For those of you who are lost as to what I am talking about...Dustin Kensrue is the lead singer of Thrice, my favorite band, who have a very heavy but wide reaching sound. They span a wide gamut of genres in my opinion. Dustin also has a solo project which is very folky and awesome. He is a Christian and his lyrics are so inspiring to me. I would love to be in his shoes for a while. I mean, you know what I mean...I would love to live that life. Only thing that would be cooler is if I had a wife and she was in my solo project...making it not such a solo project. Sweet. I can dream, and I can pray.

Heck, I would also like to just plain travel the world. I think spending a month in a different country and then going on to different countries for like 2 years would be so cool. I think that would be awesome. Oh if only a little thing called money wasn't the...oh how did it go..."the solution and cause to all our problems."

Oh life, you are such a journey.

...can't find my orbit to save my life...

So I am home. Hallelujah. I was so happy to be in my nice big bed last night and actually able to stretch out all the way without my feet hanging over the edge of my bed. That was nice. I recently kind of got into the habit of like sleeping with the covers over my head. I think because I really like it to be really dark when I am sleeping. Anyways...

Still got a bit of stuff left at the apartment, gotta go clean that stuff out and fix up the bikes and such. I really hope I will be able to write a few good songs this break. I think it would be nice to be able to write some heavy stuff, I just need to actually be able to do that though. Yeah, so basicalyl if anyone wants to like form a band with a heavy Thrice like sound with maybe a little folk mixed in and perhaps some Coheed and Cambria type riffage all having heavy spiritual undertones (without being a "Christian" band)...let me know if that sounds sweet.

I have a phone interview with AXA Equitable tomorrow, hopefully that will go well...first phone interview for me.

Being home is nic, although my parents can be super dysfunctional at times. They really need to step outside their selves sometimes and just look at what they say to each other. It hurts me so much to see them fight. Ugh. But can't we say the same thing for ourselves too? I think for myself I just need to be the same person around all people. I think I get myself overly nervous when I shouldn't be.

Oh I wonder where my life will go. I really have no clue whatsoever where I will be in oh, say four years. I think my worry and nervousness about that has faded only by the grace and power of God. I am certainly excited to see where I will be. Who I will be friends with, if I will be in a relationship or not, where I will be working, what I will be doing, what kind of ministry I will be involved in. Man, who knows. Crazy and greater things are certainly yet to come I think. I actually had an interesting thought cross my mind at church this morning. Jesus didn't begin his ministry until he was like thiry years old, give or take. Not to say that my significant impact on the world through God's work with me won't start until I am "x" number of years old...but man it gives me insight on how short sighted I am. Heck, John The Baptist lived in the wilderness for perhaps most of his life as he grew up (see Luke 1...near the end)...he probably spent at least 15-20 years just living in the wild, growing in the Spirit and in strength before he began his ministry. Crazy stuff. Granted Jesus was God (and man...which I was thinking about the other night and that still blows my mind) and John was basically dubbed as the greatest human ever born of woman by Christ...but man, God can do some crazy and awesome things with people. That being said, I think I (and we all) should look to see what God's awesome plan is for us. Now I really am not a fan of Jeremiah 29:11 (gasp! what a heathen!) mainly because I feel it is taken a little out of context, but that is a different story, but we should look and actively seek the plan and path that God has for us. A great lyric (by none other than Dustin Kensrue) goes "find your faith and dive deep". As I heard that lyric and really honed in on it the first time (I missed it because it kind of is put in a song one might not expect it to be in) I really liked it. It definitely meshes with one of my mottos which is to really dig deep and seek out and analyze truth and God. Well that was much more than I planned on writing, but I hope it can bless someone. Ciao.

...find your faith and dive deep...

A few things.

Thrice is always amazing. I thoroughly would love to be a roadie of theirs or just to play with them. Oh to dream a dreamer's dream.

Had a little (big) breakdown today. I really dislike accounting, finance is ok (I could see myself working in finance maybe), but I think I truly believe my passion lies in neither field. I feel such a strong pull to music and being part of a church. Maybe that might include using my business skills for the church, who knows. I really love music though.

I really, really, really hate finals week. I cannot wait to be done.

Psalm 85 and 86 are freaking amazing psalms. They represent and are such a true cry out to God. I like this passage perhaps the best..."Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name." Psalm 86:11. I think the fear of the the Lord needs to be cultivated in me big time. Disdain and hatred of sin, and awe and wonder over his divine power. I imagine the fear of the Lord kind of like that.

Friends, once again, thanks for being there for me. I hope I can be there for you when you need all that you have given me.

Still praying Psalm 86:4 fervently...I'll let you look up that one. I use the ESV.

That is about it, back to studying.

...can you see the sky turn red?...

I am thankful for friends. Friends who are there to hear me. Friends who are there who know me better than I know myself at times. Friends who tell me the truth. Friends who have great advice. Friends who are Godly and friends who love me. Thank you friends.

Life has still been difficult, but I think once the semester ends I will have a large weight lifted off my shoulders. Though the weight may be gone, I think I still need to learn not to live with and deal with the weight of college. If I don't I will be doomed to unhappiness I believe.

I really think the majority of most things in life and how I deal with them comes down to my understanding and acceptance of God's grace. I really (really) need to grasp this concept and stop living with guilt. Guilt from sin, or sadness from circumstances. I am loved. I am his workmanship. This is a truly amazing concept and I need to grasp it and live it. Not to say that God hasn't made huge leaps and bounds in my life in the right directions, I just think that as I have been having a very difficult time in my life, I need to look to God and the key thing that he has done and the main thing that he is about.

...mark me with fear and trembling, send someone else instead...

A short excerpt from my journal:

"Will I second guess everything?
Will I succumb to pessimism in relationships with girls?
Will I ever default to happiness?
When will my worry go away?
Will I give in and do what I want to do with my career?
Will I trust God with my future?
Will I be truly free from sin, or at least live like it?
Will I ever evangelize?
Will I have actions that match my words and my thoughts?
Will I stop being scared?
Will I ever take action?"

Life is tough. Today was tough. Praise God though for the twenty minutes I had to lay down, listen to worship songs and give God praise.

...i want to write the perfect song, and play it just for you...

Are things looking up? Perhaps. Regardless of my situation, no matter how good or bad life treats me, no matter the blessings or trials I receive from God, I must remain in humble praise. My blessings might all be a figment of my imagination currently; we will see about that.

I can't wait for break so I can:
1. Jam with my new amp which is currently on its way to me (Line 6 Vetta).
2. Compile all the lyrics I have written and try and put them together with the chord progressions and riffs I have written.
3. Hang out with my family.
4. Hang out with my (newfound?) Syracuse friends.
5. Go to NYC and see some friends and chill on Wall Street for a while.
6. Begin all the internship applications for this next round.

Well I think that is partially a to-do list for me...lets see how much of it I get done.

I think I love basically every lyric of every song that Thrice has written...here is a little something I am enjoying currently, it is part of the song "T&C".

'Cause we're all in the same machine
each one with his own broken dreams
passion gives way to failure
so let's all try and understand
you take my hand and I'll take yours
you take my hand and I'll take yours
take my hand and I'll take yours
let our passion bleed...